


haven't been the best

by QQI25



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Age Regression/De-Aging, Angst, Gen, Non-Sexual Age Play, Pre-Episode: e060-066 The Stolen Century Parts 1-7, Spoilers for Episode: e060-066 The Stolen Century Parts 1-7, Spoilers for Episode: e067-069 Story and Song Parts 1-3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-03
Updated: 2020-01-06
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:27:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22096354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QQI25/pseuds/QQI25
Summary: Lucretia hates Taako and it's tearing him apart.
Relationships: The Director | Lucretia & Taako
Comments: 7
Kudos: 32





	1. forgotten

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mcschnuggles](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcschnuggles/gifts).



> Based on part of [this answer to an ask](https://mcschnuggles.tumblr.com/post/189982068805/sjfhshdb-this-is-the-anon-ty-for-liking-the-hcs)! 
> 
> The title's from "Addict With A Pen" by twenty one pilots because I decided to listen to [this Lucretia playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7ycTyzZAMQ4PIh3iaoTpGS?si=x_6pVA_vRW6Bm11xLVukFA) while uploading this fic. SPOILERS IN THE PLAYLIST TITLE!
> 
> there are minor things that would make more sense if you read [Proficiency in Babysitting by mcschnuggles](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20885513/chapters/49644848) and [The Old College Try by mcschnuggles](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21527623/chapters/51317062)! but again they're minor so it's not necessary but also those are just really good so if u have time, give them a read!

Lucretia hates Taako. She doesn’t hate Magnus, doesn’t hate Merle, doesn’t hate _anyone_ except Taako. Well, maybe Lucas, but it’s more annoyance toward him than anything, and, well, everyone’s annoyed by Lucas. It kind of hurts, to be honest. Like, not that Taako _needs_ everyone to like him ~~but a bit of that too~~ ; he just wants to know _why_. Magnus and Merle don’t think she hates him, but they’re _wrong_. They don’t see things the way he does. 

The only times she’s nice to him are after missions, and that’s probably because she’s his employer, and employers are s’posedta be nice. Especially if they want employees to keep working for them. Bar that, the only actual time she was nice to him was when she gave him the caramel after the spooky goblet mission. And okay, the time when she caught him and Maggie with the Voidfish, and she let him nap on her. But that one was probably only because Maggie was there too. 

What probably makes it hurt more is that she can’t even hide it when he’s regressed. There’s the time when she caught him and Maggie with the Voidfish, and she’d hated that Taako called her “Lulu” so much that she ran away crying. There’s also every time she’s with anyone little besides Taako. Maggie’s little of course, and Johann’s little and Avi’s little. They’re all better than him and Lucretia likes them all more than him.

Johann’s a kinda cool older brother. He’s very calm and he plays his music and it’s so pretty. The only reason he’s not all the way cool is because he likes _rules_ and he likes to try to make sure Taako follows them. _Bo_ ring. Avi’s a way cool older brother when he’s bigger (sometimes he’s as little as or littler) than Taako. He’s fun and funny and he’s okay with Taako doing things as long as no one gets hurt. 

And Taako . . . he’s a brat. He likes to break rules and eat sweets and make trouble. He likes to get all the attention. But he’s always good around Lucy ~~and oh fuck it’s Lucy now~~ and he likes her and he’s never a bother. He doesn’t understand. 

It all comes to a head when he decides, dumbly, to let himself be vulnerable. It’s a real moment of weakness. With people around, no less. And it’s not even really a decision! But fuck him, right? He’s tired, okay. It’s a real kicker of a mission that leaves him feeling drained. Watching Avi and Lucy interact, even when Avi’s not little, is making him more and more miserable. And it’s like, he doesn’t even _need_ to watch them because he could be hanging out with people that like him but he keeps going back to them because he likes Lucy and he doesn’t understand why she doesn’t like him back.

“Hey kiddo, you okay?” Merle asks, patting his knee. He’s miserable and it’s noticeable. 

“Fuck no. I’m horrible,” he says with an abrupt, too-loud laugh. And then he starts crying. He's miserable and _it's worse than he thought_. “Sorry I did a swear Emmy I didn’t mean to I’ll be good I promise,” he says meekly. 

“Whoa, hey, okay, it’s okay. You never care about doing swears. What’s wrong? Wanna talk about it?” Emmy takes Taako’s left hand in both of his. He hears Maggie in the background clearing out everyone but their close friends. Carey and Killian take Ango out anyway. Prob’ly for the best. Taako doesn’t want Ango to see him like this. Maggie comes to his right side and holds his right hand. Avi and Johann and Lucy stand a bit back, probably to give him some space.

“I don’t want Lucy to hate me,” he mumbles.

“Who says she hates you?” Maggie asks.

I _know_ she hates me and I don’t understand,” he wails. “I don’t understand I don’t take up space I’m _good_ when I’m _with_ you, Lucy. You can even pretend I’m not _there_ I’m so quiet if you want me to be. But she likes _ev_ ’ryone more ‘n she likes me. She likes Johann because he’s calm and follows rules and plays cool music. She likes Avi and Maggie even though they’re hyper because they’re happy and good and follow rules. But I’m a _brat_ and she _knows_ that even though I try to be good when she’s around. And I always make her sad.” 

“Oh _Taako_ , dear, I’m so sorry,” Lucy says, cupping his cheek. She looks sad. She always looks sad because of him. “It’s just . . . you remind me of loved ones I’d lost. I _know_ I . . . need to work on some stuff. We’re so close to being _done_ , though. Once we have all the relics destroyed, I’ll be able to spend time with you. And I promise I’ll do better by you and be kinder to you. I _do_ love you. I could _ne_ ver hate you. Oh darling, come here.” She holds out her arms and Maggie and Emmy let go of his hands so he can hug her. She holds onto him just as tightly as he holds onto her. He’s holding on tight just in case she changes her mind and hates him again. But maybe the way she’s holding on means she really doesn’t hate him.

“I’m sorry Lucy I don’t want you to be sad anymore. I’ll always be a good kid for you. I love you.” 

“That’s right, you’ve always been such a sweetheart haven’t you?” Her voice sounds wet, and when they pull away, she’s smiling even though she’s wiping away her tears. She dries her hands on her cloak and takes his hands in hers. “You’re perfect the way you are. Never think you have to change for anyone.” 

He feels a lot better for her having said that. Everyone leaves after making sure he’s okay and Emmy and Maggie make sure he’s okay once more before getting ready for bed. They all sleep on Taako’s bed with him and they fall asleep before him. He lies awake thinking of how Lucy had said he’d “always been such a sweetheart” like they’ve known each other for much longer than the time he’s been employed in the Bureau. It confuses him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- let's just say they had a we're-not-dead celebration after their mission at THB's crib!
> 
> \- weeeelcome to the angst zone!! idk i'm not rly feeling angsty so idk why i decided to write this lol but this is Good Stuff to Explore
> 
> \- taako’s nickname for merle (emmy) is from mcschnuggles! isn't it so cute?? and also the "spooky goblet mission" is [ this](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20885513/chapters/49644848) and "the time when she caught him and Maggie with the Voidfish" is [ from this](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21527623/chapters/51317062) so i guess spoilers for those fics whoops!!
> 
> \- i'm defo interested in further exploring taako's relationship with big brother avi and maybe big brother johann (separately)! and maybe also little avi and big brother johann. and a lot of other relationships lol
> 
> \- i'm planning on making the second chapter taako and lucy doing Healing after story and song but before the epilogue. i always feel so bad for lucy :'( like sure she had all the employees but. it probly wasn't always like that and that's Not the Same. oh! that reminds me i wanna do a little lucy holing herself up in her room at some pt during her time as head of the bureau of balance >:3
> 
> \- lastly sorry for anyone who saw the second chapter as "not for realsies just for editing" lol i just wanna make the end notes the chapter end notes and not the entire work end notes


	2. Rebuilding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter title's from "Arms Unfolding" by dodie. It's only 1 minute and 33 seconds so give it a listen if you can! I think it fits them so so well.

Taako somehow feels even more betrayed than before. He absolutely hates it. It’s an awful feeling. He’s been _hurt_ by someone he loves and someone who loves him. Lately though, he’s been trying to focus on the present and forget (hah where are the Voidfish when you need them ~~but he honestly doesn’t want or need them in that way~~ ) about being betrayed. 

He focuses instead on where he lives, because he lives with Kravitz and Lup and Barry and it’s perfect. He gets to spend as much time as he wants to with his sister, and his boyfriend, and his sister’s boyfriend (when they’re not out reaping). One day Lup decides it’s high time she gives Krav the shovel talk, so it’s just Barry and Taako.

“I’m just gonna jump into it,” Taako says. “How did you forgive Lucretia? She made you forget your girlfriend and made all of us forget you.”

“You really meant it when you said you were gonna jump into it, huh, bud? It was hard. I mean, you saw me. I was ready to fight her. She left me all alone, and when I was alive, all I could trust was this stupid coin. But this whole time, I was only thinking about myself. If I really wanted to make peace with what she’d done—and I did want to, because after everything, she was still part of my family—then I had to look at it from _her_ viewpoint. I had to give her the benefit of the doubt. She was still pretty young and immature when she decided that. I mean, look at the things she decided were best. She decided to go it alone and take away our memories. She decided to only give Davenport his name when I’m _sure_ there was a better way to go about that,” Barry reasons.

“Huh. I guess that’s true. . . . Man, Maggie an’ Merle an’ I used to laugh at Davenport. Feel bad now.”

“In front of him?”

“Hell no. We weren’t _that_ brutal. No, we’d just kind of . . . have roast sessions where we’d flame the other employees and shit. And each other. Man, we’re dicks aren’t we.”

“At least you had the good grace to not do it to everyone’s faces.”

It’s easy with their chemistry to just dive into more lighthearted things from there, but Taako takes to heart what Barry says. He writes it down somewhere just in case. And then Lup and Krav come back and he and Lup make dinner and they all eat dinner together and it’s fine. 

He talks with Lup next. They’re chilling outside in their slowly blossoming garden together and she’s got a pensive look on her face. He figures now’s as appropriate a time as any and turns on his side to face her, propping his head up. 

“How were you able to forgive Lucretia, sis? I mean, you had it worse than me. You were so close to us, but so far, in that Umbrastaff of yours and we forgot you.” He really has no tact, but isn’t it better to not fluff up and skirt around the topic? 

“I got to do my being angry and being sad bit in the Umbrastaff,” Lup says, looking at him. “It takes energy to do that, Ko. I’m tired of putting all my energy into that. Forgiving’s just easier. Istus knows she’s beating herself up over it anyway; that’s how she is. And I . . . I don’t wanna be like that. I don’t wanna be the person who wishes suffering on someone who did something because they didn’t know better. I honestly don’t think you want to be that person either. At least not to Lucy.”

“I . . . I think you’re right,” he says quietly, watching himself fiddling with the grass with his free hand. She puts her hand over his and he looks up at her.

“It’s okay. You don’t have to be ready to forgive her. You don’t even have to forgive her if you really don’t want to. But I think it’d do you some good to at least talk to her, understand her point of view of things. Just think on things for a bit, and when you’re ready, you know where she is and how to get hold of her. She might be on the moonbase, but she’s only a Stone of Farspeech call away.” 

He focuses on the fact that everyone visits (besides Lucy herself). The more well-adjusted people (read: basically everyone except fucking him) seem to be checking on each other. Dav comes by first (his “duty as captain”). 

“How are you doing these days, Taako?”

“Been worse, been better. I mean, Lup and Barry have told me why they forgave Lucretia, but I just don’t understand why she’d go and do that. We were supposed to do this together.” Davenport takes time to consider that.

“I think she needed at least some . . . some of that time alone. Even though I didn’t remem-remember her during that time, I watched her grow so much. I know you probably feel like—like you got the short end of the stick, but I try looking at her side. She couldn’t do that if we—if we had been around and cognizant. She would never be able to grow up, coddled by u—by us.”

“I guess. . . . Hey are you hungry? You should stay for dinner tonight.”

“I’d love to,” he responds warmly. 

Merle comes over next. At this point, he’s got feedback from almost all of the people he’s spent a century loving, and it just feels right starting out their second journey with Merle and Magnus, and ending whatever this is with them. And hopefully, when he’s done feeling like shit, they’ll start a life together, all 7 of them, plus Kravitz and Angus and all their new friends. 

“Hi Emmy,” Taako grumbles. Emmy sits next to him on the couch and puts an arm around him. 

“Aww, our crabby little gremlin,” Emmy coos. “What’s got you down? Wanna talk about it?”

“I’m mad at Lucy right now and I’m mad that I’m mad at her because we love each other ‘cept right now we don’t.”

“Ahh,” Merle says in understanding. “Sometimes I feel a bit mad at her too.” 

“Really? But you’re never mad!” Taako turns to look at Emmy, awed. 

“Oh, silly goose, everyone gets mad now and then. That’s how it is. Here, want me to do your hair?”

“Yes please!” Taako runs to go get a brush and hairtie and comes back.

“You’re gonna have to sit on the floor in front of me, remember? You’re a bit taller than me.” Emmy places a pillow down on the ground in front of him and Taako giggles.

“I’m taller than you, Emmy!” 

“Yeah, laugh it up and see if I’ll do your hair.” But Emmy takes the brush and hairtie from him and starts brushing his hair. 

“Sorry.” He’s not really sorry though, and he giggles behind his hands so Emmy can’t hear.

“There are lots of way to feel, and we feel almost all of them at least once, including feeling mad. But even when I’m mad and even when I’m sad, I like to think about something good or happy that happened because of it. Even though I lost you guys, I got Mavis and Mookie, and now I have more people I love. And humans have shorter lives than us. That’s what I remind myself. Our time with them is _so short_. I’d rather Lucretia look back in her life and reflect on all the times I was _kind_ to her, and loved her, you know?”

“Lucy was kind of mean to me, wasn’t she?” he asks, soft and sad. 

“She didn’t know that. To her, that was being nice. Remember how sad you were without Lup?” 

“But I was _ex_ tra sad without all of you guys even though I didn’t know why I was sad.”

“Sorry you had to go through that, kiddo. No one should have to. I think you’ll find that you and Luce have a bit in common, though. Right now, I bet _she_ feels alone. Have you talked with her since you came here?”

“No. I want to though. Gotta talk to Maggie first.” 

“Okay. Are you gonna talk to Maggie about the same thing?”

“Yuh huh. ’M a bit scared to talk to Lucy. I don’t wanna be mean to her, and I don’t wanna be sad, and I don’t want _her_ to be sad. That’s a lot of things.”

“That _is_ a lot of things, and I think some of those are gonna happen. This is a hard talk to have, and it’s okay if you guys need to be sad and mad to have it. I’m all done with your hair now.” 

Taako goes to the bathroom so he can look at his hair. It’s in a neat braid and there’s even flowers in it! He didn’t even _see_ Emmy bring flowers! He almost goes to Lucy so that she can draw it like that and he can keep the picture to remember, but they’re not on the ship anymore and right now, he and Lucy aren’t really friends.

“Someone come! It’s a ‘mergency! Look at how pretty my hair is!” he settles for. 

Last is Magnus. Taako’s big for their talk. After this, he’s got no more excuses. After this it’s time to talk to Lucy. 

“I wanna talk to Lucy,” he starts.

“‘Kay. Good, I’m proud of you.” 

“Don’t be proud too soon. I’m still hesitant to talk to her. I think I need a pep talk or encouragement or like, knowing how you feel or some shit.”

“First off, I’m still proud of you. It’s a big thing to acknowledge when you need to have a talk with someone, and a big thing still to admit any reservations you have. Second off, you’re in luck, because I’ve got a proficiency in pep talks! Just ask the Tesseralia Winners!” Taako smiles at that, which just makes Magnus smile bigger.

“I love deeply,” Magnus says, more serious now. “You know that. And I know our situations those 12 years were vastly different, but for me, being mad at Creesh is nothing compared to a century of loving her. Anger at her just can’t come naturally for me. ‘Sides, I’m here with all of you guys and I remember and love you _now_ and that’s what matters to me. It’s like . . . when we were offered the Chalice! If I keep thinking of the past, I’ll never live my life. I have to let that go to be able to be happy here and now.”

“Shit, Burnsides. You’re honestly really good at this gig.”

“You say that like you didn’t think that could be true!”

“Shut up. You’re ruining our moment.”

“Oh _I_ am, am I?” He shoves Magnus, which doesn’t do shit, and they start laughing.

And Magnus is right. He doesn’t wanna hold onto the past anymore, doesn’t wanna keep feeling shitty. If he’s being honest with himself, he’d pretty much been ready to forgive Lucy. He’d just needed to justify it. It’s ironic, isn’t it, that he’d cried and fretted over her hating him and now is leaving her to do presumably the same? Or not, but knowing her, it’s hurting her too. He’s talked with all of them now, ‘cept Lucy herself. He might not feel ready, but he’s as ready as he’ll ever be at this point. The talks with the rest of the crew luckily kinda felt like practice runs. A few of them had looked at it from Lucy’s side, so he’s hopefully gotten a feel for what she’d say to him and what he could say back.

Taako decides to write a letter because letter-writing’s becoming a lost artform. It’s totally underrated! He doesn’t remember the last time he wrote or received a letter. He also decides to write a letter partly in hopes that it’ll take longer to reach her and thus for a reply to reach him. Probably he’s too fragile right now, or something anyway. There’s really no telling how he’ll react if he hears her voice. So letter it is!

_Hey Lucy,_

_Taako here, but you can already tell because I’m probably the only person you know with handwriting this breathtaking. Bet you haven’t gotten one of these bad boys in a while, huh? Letter-writing’s becoming a lost art these days. You should use letters to recruit people to your new Bureau. I’ll let you say that Taako officially endorses it because it’s pretty cool that you’re doing this or whatever. Actually, I’ll leave a separate piece of paper enclosed with “I endorse this” and my signature on it._

_Anyways, that’s not what I meant to write to you about. Are you free next week to come over sometime? Reaper Squad’s usually out in the daytime and I think it’s time we talked. I’m done with this being angsty bullshit and not to control your teen rebellion or whatever, but I think you should be done with yours too. Lup and I will make dinner too._

_Love,_   
_Taako_

_Taako,_

_It’s Lucy, which you know because we’re the two people we know with the best handwriting. Yes, the people on this plane don’t have good taste, do they? That’s a great idea, and I’ll definitely use letters as recruitment now that it doesn’t have to be a big secret anymore. Thank you for your endorsement; it’s a great honour._

_Thank you, also, for the invitation. You’re not my dad, but I agree. I’ll always make time for one of you guys. But I know you need an actual answer, so yes, I’m most free on the weekend._

_Love,_   
_Lucy_

It’s a very Lucy answer and he might or might not hug the letter to his chest before putting it in his box of mail. It’s mostly fanmail, which this also definitely counts as. Everyone’s a fan of Taako. He reads over the paper filled with what everyone said. He thinks about what he wants from and for this conversation, how he doesn’t wanna hurt Lucy, how he doesn’t want to be hurt, how he doesn’t wanna lash out, how he doesn’t wanna deflect, how he wants them to be truthful with each other and be able to make amends. 

And on the weekend when she comes over, he feels most ready. He invites her in and they sit at the dining table. He’s made them both some tea. 

“Lucy, I . . . to be honest, I cheated. I talked with everyone else—separately, of course—before I felt up to talking with you.” 

“I’ve had 12 years to think on this shit, so don’t feel bad. I think we’re even.”

“Okay. Listen, no bullshit, okay? I’m gonna cut straight to the chase because I’m pretty sure we both want to get this over with. I don’t wanna be mad at you anymore. I don’t wanna keep fuckin’ dwelling on it anymore. I just want to know _why_ you did that.”

“I wanted the best for you and I wanted you to be happy. As long as you were thinking about Lup, you couldn’t be happy. I didn’t know what I could do besides take away your memory of her. It was hurting you,” Lucy says plainly. How could he be mad at her, his other sister, after she’s said that? Dav may have said she did a lot of growing ~~and okay he witnessed the results as well~~ but she’s still _so much_ like the little kid he knew for a whole century.

“Don’t take this in a bad way because I don’t mean it in a bad way at all, but you’re still so childish, Lucy. I was okay hurting because even if I didn’t have Lup, I still had you guys. Do you get that? I was never alone, because I had you guys there with me. Sure we were hurting, but we were hurting together. We were never supposedta be alone. We were s’posedta tell each other everything. And look where that plan of yours got us, Lucy. We lost our memory. You and I had to be basically alone for _12_ years,” he says as gently as possible.

“I never meant to do that to you, Taako. You have to believe me. I just didn’t feel like I had any other choice,” she says desperately. He takes her hands and she grips them like they’re her lifeline.

“I get that now. I do. But next time promise that you’ll come to us? You’ll talk to us and tell us when you need help or just to, I don’t know, shoot the shit or blow off some steam? That’s _al_ ways a choice you have. We love you and care about you, and we’ll always be here to listen.”

“Okay. I promise I won’t deal with shit alone anymore if I don’t have to,” she whispers. He frees one of his hands to caress her cheek.

“That’s a good girl. Now, when’s the last time I got to hang out with my Lucy, huh?”

“It’s been a while,” she says shyly. He wipes away her tears and kisses her forehead.

“It has, hasn’t it? I don’t have any of the stuff you like right now, so next time you bring stuff over and we can do it together, okay? In the meantime, do you like Caleb Cleveland? Want me to read to you?”

“Yes!” Any traces of shyness are lost to the excitement now clear in the way she bounces in her seat. 

“You go wait on the couch for me, little miss.” 

He goes to Angus’s bedroom and returns with the first book. Once he sits down, Lucy curls up in his side and he puts his arm around her, opening the book and beginning to read. 

The weight against his side slowly gets heavier ‘til he’s got a sleeping human tucked up against him. He carefully closes the book and sets it down on his other side. She looks peaceful now in her sleep in a way she hasn’t looked in a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- hey sorry if anyone's ooc it feels like they're a bit too emotionally mature lol! but well mags grew up on raven roost and taako really wants to make things better so like it's their turn on the brain cells. 
> 
> \- also idk the transition in lucy and taako's convo feels a bit abrupt? but like ya she hasn't been little for A Bit nd so i think it's something they both need. i also think they both need to officially be little in each other's company (not at the same time) and lucy needs to be little w/ johann and avi!! so i might do that i might make this a series so i can do that. or just add on chapters lol idk! we'll see
> 
> \- i'm so miffed i saw a post about dav having a stutter post-SAS but i cannot for the life of me find it!! anyways ya that's why he has a stutter and i hope it works! i mean i looked [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/Stutter/comments/2dwykj/writing_a_story_with_a_stuttering_main_character/) and i hope this doesn't come off as being a know-it-all but i already knew some/most of that shit (i guess from having a friend with a stutter?) but i just needed it just in case! 
> 
> \- lol u can see taako doesn't fully have a grasp (or just doesn't wanna have a grasp) on human aging in the way he calls her "a little kid" when she's aboard the starblaster. and also the "teen rebellion" thing. also it's scary innit how they age. isn't she already like in her 50s?? bc of the 12 years and wonderland?? fUck man ,,,,
> 
> \- anyways i rly hope y'all enjoyed!! I just Need them to reconciliate or whtevr :'O


End file.
